My name is zoom and I live on the moon. . . *

My first birthday! Man I was excited. I was pretty much this excited when I  woke up this morning too.  That was until both of the animals pounced on me and I had to quick duck for cover to avoid being wiggled and boxed to death.  You have to love my ginormous bald baby head in this picture. 

Second birthday! Now those are some healthy tree trunks, er,  legs!  ( still have not had my 1st hair cut yet) (oh and I still have those healthy legs!  yes Pup healthy!)

Third birthday at McDs!  I look so innocent!  (Note: Mom claims that I still had not had my 1st hair cut yet. )

Last night we went out to dinner at Bistro Bella Vita.  Wonderful restaurant in downtown Grand Rapids that specializes in all local food.   I will, however, be paying for my indulgences today.   I choose to order whatever I wanted last night.  So what if I knew it would make the j-pouch scream out in pain or react in protest?  I didn't care if I  had to pay the price today or not!  It was my 3oth damn-it!  

Since the food  was so good I'll let you know, First up, cocktails! I had a pomegranate martini! For an appetizer we ordered the wild mushroom and goat cheese on flatbread.  (Honestly, probably my favorite dish from the evening! And probably what I'll be paying the most for! Darn flat bread.) Main course I had the Paella.  So, good!  (Oh wait I just remembered I brought home leftovers, oh and now I just remembered I already ate all the good stuff out of the left overs!)  With the paella my waitress paired me a nice glass of white wine.  I have no idea what kind.  I'm not a big fan of white, so she did the pairing.  I wish all restaurants could do that for you.  And the dessert!  Lemon cheesecake on a pine nut crust.  Yeah I am happily paying the price today.  Completely and utterly worth it.  

*WTF is up with the title right?  Well when I was about 6 maybe, my Aunt Nancy bought my brother and I these tapes with this birthday song on it.  Every single year since then, ANdy and I have sang this song for each other.  Sorry, Scott says it is one of our odd sibling quirks. 

"My name is Zoom 
And I live on the moon 
But I came down to earth 
Just to sing you this tune
Hey, stephanie, 
It's your birthday today! 

A present for you
I wanted to find
An outerspace creature
A one of a kind! 
A wild whop or a kukelchoo,
An apple drop or a buzzardstew
Or maybe a 3-eyed tickleshay
For your birthday"

The Birthday Week

Here at the Stolen Colon house, we don’t just celebrate your birthday on the actual day; we celebrate all week long! (Don’t you wanna come live with me? Well at least for the week for your birthday day, huh?) Last weekend kicked off my thirtieth birthday week celebration. So far we have grabbed lunch at an eclectic delicatessen place that usually has way too long of a wait for Scott’s patience. (Marie Catribs, for my Gr’s peeps.) Then we spent most of the day Saturday walking around my Alma Mater, just hanging out taking some pictures (which all turned out crappy, must learn how to take better pictures in craptastic lighting) and visiting local haunts. Later we spent a few hours visiting my niece and nephew. Oh yeah, and their parents!

I know I’ve joked in the past about being a bit freaked about the approaching big three-oh. But really I’m not. Honest. I welcome this and every birthday I am blessed with from here on out. After the last year, I have new outlook on birthdays. They are a blessing, not something to dread or hide from. So on Thursday I will not cry. (You hear that Dad, unlike you I won’t cry!) I won’t moan or mope. I will cheer. I will celebrate. I will climb on my roof and shout! (ok for those of you who have actually seen me attempt to stand on a roof, know that last statement was a lie.) I will toast having made it through this past year. I will party like I am turning 30 or something.

To be honest, sometimes I do feel just a bit surprised that I am 30. I mean what ever happened to 26? Seriously did I sleep through fours years of my life or something? Did I lose them? I had assumed by the time I was 30, I would have done so much more. Finished having kids, seen the world, have had some important career. Oh well.

So I am not where I thought I would be. Hey I never thought I had cancerous bullshit growing inside me either. Life can throw you for loops; it is just all in how you roll with it.

So, what’s on deck for the rest of the three-oh weeklong celebration you ask? Well, Scott is cooking dinner all week (did you read that honey?) Except for when we go out for our fancy meal. Still haven’t decided on where for that yet. (Gr peeps, any recs? Feel free to leave them in the comments! I’m looking for local owned place, doesn’t have to be fancy.) Then we will probably head up to the cottage for the weekend.

See weeklong celebration doesn’t really mean I am super spoiled. It is just fun to say, “Buuuuut, do I have to? It my birthday week!” I mean it's not like I get gifts everyday of anything.

So, you may be asking yourself "what's with the picture of the horse hooves Steph?" Well, let me tell you. A. I took this picture over Memorial Day weekend and I like it. B. It's my birthday week!

A 1/3 life crisis?

I chopped off all my hair. Actually I didn't do it, but my awesome stylist and good friend Erin did. I had it with my hair. It just wasn't meant to be long. It was brittle and would break if it was in a pony tail. Plus it just wasn't healthy. It wasn't really growing at all either. And I was sick of the hair monster in the shower. (I know I know my hair monster is NOTHING compared to when you are on chemo. And yes I thank my lucky stars daily for that.)

Anyways, did I lop off all my hair, because it looked crappy from nutritional deficiencies through out the past year? Maybe. A Result from the stress? Perhaps.

Or was the spur of the moment cut all the hair off, a result of an impending birthday, one that ends in a 0? Ah, most likely.

So for your viewing pleasure here are a few pictures of the new do.

The Boss Man and I. And excuse the silly face, I was trying to get a good smile out of him. But the thumb won that one.

Look close and you can see Dexter Cat makes a cameo.

Anniversary of sorts

One year ago, last Wednesday was the one-year anniversary of my first colonoscopy. (And last colonoscopy, given that I no longer have a colon). It had been many years in the coming.

Before hand, the GI told me he was very confident he would not find anything. He had mentioned before hand that if in fact it was cancer, then I would already be dead. Great.

For some reason, I have a very high tolerance to the knock you out drugs they use before these procedures. (Anyone else have some LL Cool J now stuck in their heads? Or is that just me?) They tend to have a difficult time getting me out and then keeping me out. It is a common occurrence for the nurse to say “Oh my, you’re still awake?!”. This colonoscopy was no different.

I was very conscious at the start of the procedure. I was interested in watching the TV screen, where the camera that is inside you projects what it sees. I wanted to see what was going on in there too. But very early on the Dr. exclaimed “HOLY . . . OH MY . . . “ And then the nurse said “Oh dear . . .” and then blocked my view until the latest does of drugs kicked in.

When I awoke (great now I have that Phish song in my head) in the recovery room my mother-in-law, Becky was there waiting for me. Scott couldn’t be there due to his job, plus we didn’t think we were going to find anything so. . . well . . . definitive. Even though I was groggy to all get out, I knew the instant the doc walked into the room that he did in fact found something. The way he pulled up a chair, the way he looked at me, his voice. Then those pictures. He said he normally only takes 3 pictures. He took 30. You could not deny the pictures. Hundreds upon hundreds of the monstrous, ugly, things growing inside me (and man did that thought creep me out for months to come!)

Thank God Becky was there with me. At this point, my brain checked out. The doc now sounded like the teacher on Peanuts. But Becky was there, taking in everything that my brain no longer would. Thank you Becky. You have been there for me since day one of this journey!

Contrary to what previous post may have lead you to believe I am not a big prayer, only when I am scared really. I prayed before this colonoscopy, even though I don’t remember really being scared. Apprehensive maybe. I told God, I just wanted a name, a word, a reason why I had the problems I had. I didn’t want to go through the procedure and then have the doc say he still had no idea what was causing everything. I think I need to be more careful what I pray for, or maybe how I word it at least.

Moment of Grace

I was on a walk in the woods with Grace, commiserating in my bad mood. We had snuck out for a quick jaunt between rain showers. The sky was as gloomy as I felt. As we walked, the earthy pine smell infiltrated my soul and Gracie's bouncy spirit became contagious. Just then, a small break in the cloud cover allowed a stream of beautiful and much needed sunshine in, and in that same moment, a DMB song popped in to my head.

Lately I've been feeling low 

A remedy is what I'm seeking 

Take a taste of what's mellow* 

Come away to something better 

What I want is what I've not got 

But what I need is all around me 

Reaching searching never stop

-Jimi Thing

As a child I was raised Catholic. I was taught to pray to God every night. Kneeling next to my bed with my hand clasped, I'd asked this ominous being to bless all my loved ones, right down to the current favorite stuffed animal. I’d usually ask this great being for either guidance or plain help. Possibly with a fight with friends (which at time felt like a life or death situation) or an upcoming test (especially math, or for that year in 7th grade, English. That was the year a teacher told me I was an absolute horrid writer. And whatever I did to never let anyone read my writing. Because in her opinion, I was that bad.) After finishing my so-called praying I’d silently wait to hear back. Waiting for some deep booming voice to say "Stephanie . . . be nicer to your brother. Stop calling him fatty fatty two by four." Or "Stephanie . . . the answer you are seeking is . . .” Or “Stephanie . . . your English teacher doesn’t know shit.”

When I never heard back, I kind of, well, gave up on the whole trying to talk with God thing. I felt it was too one sided. Why didn’t he answer me?

As I've grown I have learned God doesn't answer in such direct pathways. I also learned, she has a bit of a sense of humor. But that is a story for another day. The sun is breaking through the clouds again. Time for Gracie and I to go get some exercise.

*Yeah, yeah, I know what your thinking. Another Dave Matthews quote?! Really, I wasn’t planning to quote DMB again. Seriously. However, I couldn’t help it for this time. I’m sorry.

**Ok so I know the normal lyric is “take a taste of what’s below” but in the version in my head, that is what I heard.

Green-eyed Monster

Someone close to me just announced some wonderful news. And I am so extremely happy for them, but deep down in a dark corner of my heart that green-eyed monster reared his ugly head. We are at the age where it seems like everyone around us is expanding their families. Every time I turn around, I am faced with someone's perfect belly bump. I want nothing more then to have a baby of my own. Before I was diagnosed with FAP, we were "trying" and upon receiving the news of my health that "trying" was put on hold.

Recently we started the information search on Pre-genetic diagnosis (PGD) and in vitro fertilization. The PGD would give pretty good odds that our child would not inherit FAP (otherwise its 50/50). However, it is not a simple process. Nor is it cheap. It is a small fortune. It is tuition to a good college!

The other night I broke down in my first "it's not fair" pity party since last June. That inner child inside me whined "I waaaant a baby!" With the help of Scott and Gracie (and 1/4 a pan of double chocolate brownies*) my pity party was short lived. Scott and Gracie always manage to make me smile no matter how blue I might be feeling.

Scott and I have some tough decisions ahead of us. But for right now I need to remember to live in the now. Worrying and feeling sorry for myself won't change anything. It is what it is.

So for the two of you who just announced your exciting news, I am so very very happy for you. Honest.

*And I wonder why I weigh more now then I did pre-surgery.

**After a bit of debate, I decided to be completely honest with my feelings.  A lot of us will feel a little sting of jealousy when some one is getting something that would love to have.  It all just comes down to how you deal with the jealousy.  I am choosing to acknowledge it, and then send it packing.  I know this subject paints me in less then perfect life.  But like you I am human, none of us are perfect. 

The Pepto Dance

While trying to decide which pictures to use on Wednesday’s post I came across this one and I decided it deserved a post all of its own.

You are probably are probably asking yourself “why does Steph have a picture of her wedding rings with pepto-bismol?” Well let me tell you.

This was before my FAP diagnosis. Back when visiting my college’s health center, where I was told my symptoms were caused by stress. Alternatively, while visiting my family health practitioner, that it was from too much spaghetti sauce. Or when I pursued some holistic answers and was informed it was because I was out of balance. Oh and I can’t forget the countless times I was asked to take a pregnancy test. Every single time I went to a doc and complained of my symptoms, I was asked, “could you possibly be pregnant?”
“No doc.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yup, I am sure.”
“Are you 100% positive that you couldn’t be pregnant?”
“There is no way I could be pregnant.”
“Well okay then . . . lets just have you take a pregnancy test to to rule that out.”

Three years ago, before I had a name to what was wrong with me, Pepto was my bff. I never left home with out it. While getting ready for my wedding, I asked my maid of honor if she would put some pepto in her purse for me. At this point, we may have had a glass or two of champagne. So naturally, we broke out into the pepto-bismol dance. ( Come on, you know  the pepto-bismol dance!) My photographer thought we were hilarious and possible a bit crazy. He ended up doing the standard “wedding rings shot” with the pepto; you know to personalize it (I guess).

San Souci*

Three years ago today, Scott and I ceased to live in sin.  We were married seaside in beautiful Jamaica.    30 family members chose to join us there and celebrate with us.

Really, he wasn't so nervous he was sweating.  It was hot, like really hot.  I swear.  

I love you, Scott.  Here is to many more.  

Hey , my love, you came to me like

wine comes to the mouth

Grown tired of water all the time 

You quench my heart and love

you quench my mind

Celebrate we will

Because life is short but

sweet for certain

We're climbing two by two 

To be sure these days continue

The things we cannot . . 

~DMB "Two step"

(*The name of the resort we stayed at was San Souci, French for "No Worries".)

H 2 uh-oh

“If it’s yellow let it mellow, if it’s brown flush it down.” That was our anthem for the weekend; see we had no running water. A pipe had burst over the winter, and instead of flooding the entire lower level, just so we could have water, we shut off the water to the house.

Ok no biggie we thought. We can get drinking water from the store. And the cottage is on a lake! We’ll just haul up lake water to use to flush the toilets. This all would have worked out just fine, if I were a normal person, a person with a colon. But nope, not me I have a j-pouch! It definitely did not help matters that on Saturday I had a hugmongo 4 course dinner! (Hmm. I had warm ciabatta bread with balsamic dipping oil, a fresh salad with goat cheese, walnuts and dried cranberries. For the main course, there was grilled salmon with a baked potato. Oh and dessert! Cherry pie, a la mode of course. Hey leave me alone it was our anniversary dinner! If you are ever in the Higgins/Roscommon area, I highly recommend Gates Ausable Lodge. Hands down the best food around! Just note it is BYOB)

To work the toilets we would haul up 2 buckets of lake water at a time. Two buckets would allow us 2.5 flushes. So out in the rain we would go. Of course, the j-pouch was more active then normal (I am sure that my freakishly large meal had nothing to do with that. Ha!) It is fair to say we were venturing out to fill up the buckets a bit more then we originally expected.

I only slipped and fell once. (Yeah that is good for me.) The worse part of it all was having to roll up our pants and wade out into the lake to where it was deep enough to fill the bucket. Damn that water was cold.

But you know? Even with no running water, an overactive j-pouch, and crappy weather it was all worth it. And I’d do it again. My only regret was not noticing the carpet downstairs getting soggier and soggier sooner. (Sorry Dad. Seriously we feel really bad about that.)

Weathered

Dear Meteorologist,
You predicted mid 70's with a 30% chance of rain showers in the evening. Could you possibly have been anymore wrong? (Well yeah, I guess if it would have snowed, which at times I thought it might, then you definitely would have been more wrong.) It was in the 30's and it never stopped raining, for two days. Not just a little rain either; we’re talking sheets of rain. I know that weather prediction isn't a 100% accurate or anything. But seriously, you didn’t even come close. Maybe you can work on your accuracy for the summer season.
Thanks,
Stolen Colon  

Even with the craptastic weather, our weekend was good. It was definitely eventful, but good nonetheless.  More on that later.  

Solitude

And we are off . . . up north we go.  Life has been a little tense, to say the least, at the Stolen Colon household.  As some of you know, my husband works for one of the big three. (Ha! Isn't that moniker ironic?!)  There is an endlessly vibrating crack berry, cnn's never ending news ticker, and the incessant emails. The stress behind it all has caused less then stellar moods, for both of us.  We are a team,  what effects one of us also effects the other.  (Which is good point to anyone suffering through an illness, it is not just you, who suffers.  Our loved ones often suffer, silently, right along with us.  There is a stress on our caretakers that we commonly don't recognize.)

So, what do we do here when the stress becomes unbearable, pack our bags and head north, to our solace.  No crackberries, no news, no emails . . . just peace (well at least for 2 days).  

This will be Gracie's intro to "The Cottage".  I know she'll love it, it was/is Koda's favorite place on earth. Gracie and I plan to blow by my previously set record of a 1 mile hike.  There is just something about being in the woods.  The crunch of pine needles beneath my feet, the fresh scent, just the solitude of it all, it is the best way to recharge my batteries and to get in touch with myself. 

Also next week is our wedding anniversary.  This weekend, I will reconnect with the person I fell in love with.  It's easy in the hustle and bustle of life to take someone for granted.  We need to remember to occasionally look at each other as if it is the first time we saw each other.  

When I step into the light my arms open wide

When I step into the light my eyes searching wild

Would you not like to be

Sitting on top of the world with your legs hanging free

Would you not like to be ok, ok, ok

When were walking by the water

Splish splash me and you taking a bath

When were walking by the water

Come to my toes to my ankles to my head to my soul

Then I'm blown away

~Lie in Our Graves by DMB

Signs of Spring

Gracie and I have been trying to get out hiking whenever the weather allows it.  Unfortunately, here in Michigan that is not as often as I would like.   There is something about being out in the woods, where it smells earthy fresh and I'm surrounded by solitude.  It is one of the few places where I can feel fully at peace with everything.  No matter what my mood may be like at the start of the hike, by the end I exit the woods feeling calm and tranquil.  

We hit a new record today, we covered approximately one mile.  May not sound like much to you but let me tell you this isn't just flat surface we are hiking on.  I am pretty proud of myself.  Only one month ago I was only able to cover maybe half a mile and even then I had to take multiple breaks.  

On today's hike, I noticed there are a few subtle cues that Spring may be coming.   

Hope everyone has a wonderful Easter. 

I guess it was bound to happen

At least it was just me and Scott.  I should have known better.  Last night, in celebratory form I made baked bananas with an orange caramel sauce all over vanilla ice cream.  I ended up paying for that through out most of the night.  But hey my Spartans won, I deemed it worth it.  Then this morning I had a delicious italian frittata.  So good.  And to top it all off we were having a leisurely Sunday drive while drinking a grande coffee.   I guess that was 3 strikes against me.  

My poor husband, the things I subject him too.  Thank God, it was him with me.  Could of been worse.  It could of happened while out in a crowd or in yoga.  Oh the things I'm thankful for.  

Go Green!

On the banks of the Red Cedar,

There's a school that's known to all;

Its specialty is winning,

And those Spartans play good ball;

Spartan teams are never beaten,

All through the game they'll fight;

Fight for the only colors:

Green and White.

Go right through for MSU,

Watch the points keep growing,

Spartan teams are bound to win,

They're fighting with a vim!

Rah! Rah! Rah!

See their team is weakening,

We're going to win this game,

Fight! Fight! Rah! Team, Fight!

Victory for MSU!